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How many of you using online dating sites can relate to this? Ahhhhh, I’m willing to bet if you’re a Newfoundland reader, the majority of you know exactly what I’m talking about. Even if you’re a faceless silhouette with a catchy pseudonym, all it takes is a couple of convos to figure out there’s only one or two degrees of separation with you and the person you’re chatting with.

It’s one of the reasons I can completely understand people who choose not to use a picture on sites like, Plenty of Fish, for example. I get that there’s still some weird stigma attached to sites like POF and Tinder, and people don’t want the neighbor down the street or the girl who works on the front desk at the doctor’s office knowing their business, so to speak.

The other side of the coin is that these are dating sites, and dating someone most often means knowing what they look like before you actually date them. And while many users have valid reasons for not having their picture up, there’s an implied explanation that they’re hiding something….that they DO actually resemble Donald Trump’s fat cousin. Anyway, I sort of digressed there. My actual point was that we live in a province that becomes a small town in the world of online dating.

Like any situation in life, there are pros and cons. Online dating in Newfoundland is no different. Unless the person is being completely guarded with their identity or flat out lying to you, it’s easy to do a quick “reference check” with someone you know that knows John or Jane. And with Tinder, you can actually creep most people out before you even decide to swipe right…..er, left. And they can obviously do the same as far as you’re concerned; though I have noticed that most guys don’t care about figuring that shit out from the get go. I’ve asked men and women the question, and it’s definitely more of a female thing to figure out the inside scoop before doing much interacting.

There are some pitfalls though. People can easily put two and two together about an individual – similar to information you could gather about someone on Facebook. That can lead to unwanted run-ins in real life sometimes. Which are obviously creepy and should be taken somewhat seriously. Females, especially, you need to be careful out there. Here’s an example of how small a world it is around here. Back in December, I was at Fog City for supper and in the couple of days following that, 2 guys messaged me to see that they had seen me there. That’s messed up. It’s one thing to notice people like that from the interwebs – it’s gonna happen in a small geographical area. But to hit someone up and let them know? That’s creepy AF.

If you do happen to hit it off with someone for a couple of months, but things eventually go south, you run the risk of running into them at random places. For all you know, you could walk into an interview for a job some day and the HR lady could be the gal you decided to stop talking to for no good reason just a couple of months earlier. And, if the person is really bitter and an asshole, they might decide to try and make your life miserable; professionally, personally, via social media. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned they say. And I agree. But that same cliche can so easily be applied to men. Cause I have had my run in with the most immature sooks in St. John’s, I believe.

And of course, like everything in Newfoundland, especially right here in the Ceebs, everything is everyone else’s business – for at least a couple of days, before the next non-news story becomes the hottest gossip. People notice everything; social media sites are making it way easier for them. Pictures of this one out with that one; so-and-so being tagged at the same event together. It’s not easy to keep things private! And good luck when trying to have distance from your ex, it’s literally impossible to do living around here. It’s a teeny, tiny world we live in. And it’s why just like in real life, we should at least be kind to people in the online dating world. You never know when you might cross paths with that person in real life, but it’s a major possibility in good old #yyt!

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*Same usual note to readers here. This is a satirical look at my own personal dating experience, with some reference to discussions I’ve had with other people. I’m not singling any one person out. You know the song, You’re So Vain….yeah, well, this ain’t about you.

 

 

At this very moment, some 3 million Canadians are suffering from depression. I am one of them. In fact, I can promise you I am only one of many people you know who has been afflicted by this horrible mental illness. 1 in 5 of us will actually suffer some form of mental illness in our lives. The saddest part? 2 out 3 will suffer in silence; mostly out of fear and rejection associated with mental illness.

Mental health problems and illnesses cost the Canadian economy upwards of $50 billion a year; and during any given week, 500,000 Canadians will not go to work because of mental illness. Many suffer like I do, from varying degrees of depression and anxiety, but another 22% of the population suffer from mood disorders. Those of us with severe mental health problems will die up to 25 years earlier than those in the general population who are mentally well. Suicide now accounts for the deaths of 24% of adolescents from 15-24, and 16% of people aged 25-44. These should all be eye opening facts.

It can be a struggle, when you suffer from any sort of mental health problem. Especially if you’re suffering in silence or are not able to get the proper help you need. My mental health has been in a huge downward spiral for the last few months. And while I would never end my life because I have three amazing boys who I adore more than anything that need a mother, there are more and more days now that I simply don’t want to be alive. That’s a brutally honest statement to make, and I apologize if you’re taken aback by it. But I can’t suffer in silence because it’s just too absolutely draining to keep it all in. And I’m hoping, like I always do when I blog so openly, that if you’re reading this and suffering in silence, you’ll take steps to get help. Your mental health is important.

Things got really bad for me last week, and I took steps to do what I could to try and get immediate help. I called the mental health crisis line, I got myself to the Waterford. I didn’t get any immediate help. In fact, it ended up being a three hour wait to see a doctor for 7 minutes who honestly didn’t seem too concerned for the state of my mental health. It’s really sad that in this day and age a person has to feel so helpless and at the end of their rope, and not be able to get the proper help without a run around waiting game. I only manage to find the mental fortitude to get through because I have an amazing support system of people who allow me to tell them exactly how I’m feeling. SO many people out there don’t have that; they’re left feeling alone and isolated like there’s nowhere to turn. If you ever feel this way, please reach out to me. I am always here to listen. I understand what it’s like to feel like you do. And you are far from alone, I can assure you.

I celebrated 3 months of being smoke free yesterday. A huge milestone – one I wanted to acknowledge with a cigarette, no less. I sometimes wonder if quitting smoke while feeling so horrible was the best choice, but I need to give myself major props for getting through some pretty stressful moments in the last little while without lighting up a DuMaurier. But even right now, I’d fucking eat one for breakfast. But they say 3 days, 3 weeks, 3 months are those important checkpoints to hit. And I’ve successfully got that last one under my belt. I’ve gained 4 days on my life expectancy, and with any luck, my depression and anxiety will be under control again soon enough so that I can start enjoying those extra days life has in store.

Not wanting to live is no life worth living, I can tell you that. Today is the most important day of the year for spreading the message about mental health, and raising awareness, and most importantly, stopping the stigma STILL associated with it. This might have been a hard read for you, but if you’ve learned something, or gained an appreciation for those of us suffering, or realize that you need to reach out and get help, then my mission has been accomplished. Do what you gotta do today. Talk, text, tweet. Hashtag the shit out of #BellLetsTalk. There’s millions of us across the country counting on you.

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2015. I had high hopes this time a year ago. I woke up in a completely different place than I woke up this morning, and I mean that in both a physical and spiritual sense.

Slowly things began to unravel throughout the first few months, however, and by summer I was already hating 2015 more than I despised the 3-4 years before; and none of those had been particularly banner years either. It was quite clear to me, 2015 wasn’t going to be my year. It was more of the opposite in fact.

If I was going to name the top 3 culprits for the demise of my year, I could easily do it. The loss of my job, the loss of a long term relationship and the horrible state of my mental health are the biggest reasons I feel like last year just sucked the life right out of me. I can understand why so many people take their lives around New Years. It’s a hard time to be left alone when you’ve got so much shit going on.

I’m a strong enough person that I can allow myself enough perspective in those really shitty moments to somehow see the light at the end of the tunnel, but it has got to be so extremely hard for people who aren’t as strong. Cause it’s hard as fuck for me, and I consider myself someone who can take it on the chin a little better than most.

I know many of you who are waking up in the same boat as me this morning. That’s partially why I’m blogging this morning of all mornings. A reminder of sorts, that you’re not alone. We’re not alone. We’re all in it together. There are so many people around you in the same boat, I can say that with absolute certainty. For every one person filling your social media feeds with posts about how great their new year was, and how amazing 2016 is going to be, there are 5 people who are feeling melancholy and sadness over a year that kicked their ass. So don’t hate on yourself too much – you’re in a boat with a ton of other people.

Perspective is hard for many people. And it’s a bit of a cliche. But it’s also partly why I’m writing today. We all need a dose of it from time to time. A reminder that the grass is very rarely greener in someone else’s yard, if you will. And I know things are tough for you. They’re tough for me too. And I’m not taking away from any of our stuff. But there are so many others in our community suffering, in ways we would never want to have to imagine. Try and hang onto that notion when you’re in your darkest place. Most of us aren’t battling a deadly illness that might take our life. We didn’t just bury a daughter this week who’ll never experience another New Years in her life. So as bad as we’ve got it, there’s people out there dealing with way worse. These are the things we’ve got to remind ourselves of.

I hate that 2015 was such a dick of a year to so many of us. I know some people had absolutely banner years throughout 2015, but I’m fairly confident it treated most people I know quite horribly. I’m sorry for that. But I’m also hopeful. And if I can wake up today and be hopeful, you can too. Really. Allow yourself at least a few moments today to be optimistic about what 2016 might bring. It’ll be one depressing, long ass year if we start it off doomy and gloomy right from the get go.

I woke up this morning and cried. I was feeling sorry for myself and felt sad about how shitty things unfolded for me last year. Then I allowed myself to think about the positives that came out of 2015: I quit smoking – HUGE deal. I started a group on Facebook called Need Something, Got Something that has helped hundreds of people in our community, including providing 21 families Christmas hampers. AMAZING. I got hired and paid for legit work at CBC, which I’ve been secretly hoping for since I was a child. SO LUCKY! And as quickly as that, the tears stopped and I opened my laptop and started blogging.

My words somehow make sense to a lot of people. I guess because I write from my heart and can so easily empathize with how some of you are feeling. So I hope when you’re reading this today, and you’re someone who is struggling (or knows someone who is), it makes sense to you. I hope you understand that you’re not alone. I get it. A lot of other people get it. But if I can suck it up, so can you. Do yourself that favor. At least for today. Even if you don’t want to. Start 2016 on a positive note….Lord knows the next 364 days could easily turn to shite in the blink of an eye.

Thanks for reading. And for the love and support. I wish you all nothing but great things for 2016.

C.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I almost ended it all a few nights ago; and by all, I’m referring to my current battle against the butts. It was my own fault, I allowed myself to be in the presence of several triggers. Enjoying an evening of Christmas cheer was by far the worst night I’ve had since I kicked the habit October 26.

I didn’t give in, as much as I wanted to. Partially because of my own willpower, but mostly because I was with people who reminded me what an idiotic mistake that would be. I LONGED to taste a cigarette in a way that made me sadly nostalgic. The power that those little sticks of tobacco, tar and nicotine still have over me at times is astounding. But I’m still winning. And I’d like to think that will remain the case.

Quitting smoking has been a pretty big life lesson for me, oddly enough. It’s taught me some obvious things, like it really is mind over matter. My willpower has literally gotten me through moments when I’ve felt the biggest urges to light a cigarette. I’ve also learned the adage 3 days, 3 weeks, 3 months has a lot of meaning while kicking the habit. Days 3-7 were some of the hardest days of had in the last 6 months. And then again, right around that 3 week mark, I really started missing my relationship with smoking. I’m looking forward to getting past that 3 month hurdle, while at the same time dreading the cravings and desires that might come with it.

What I want to share most with you about this experience is that cigarettes, and the act of quitting  smoking, is representative of a lot of things in my life I don’t have control over. It might sound a little silly because often times we equate a battle like this with having no control. But for me, it’s been the opposite. I’m in control of this situation, even when the urge to have a cigarette forces me to tears. I can completely keep myself from smoking, or allow myself to finally give in.

I appreciate having that kind of control at the moment because so many other things in my life have gone on that I can’t do anything about. A failed relationship, a dismal dating life, a career that’s suddenly going nowhere fast. Cigarettes are representing all of these things for me. Every time I can’t fill my lungs with a huge puff of smoke from my old pal, Du Maurier, I’m reminded of something else I can’t have right now in my life. It makes all of those other situations seem even sadder at times, but also makes me appreciate winning this battle to quit smoking even more.

It’s been one month and 12 days since I quit smoking. I’ve gained 2 days on my life expectancy. I’ve saved roughly $150 by not buying a pack every 3 days or so. I’ve NOT smoked about 217 cigarettes. My circulation has improved and my lungs are starting to work better. I have an app on my iPhone that feeds me stats like that everyday. Those reminders certainly help keep my focused on my goal.

It’s also been a huge help for me to hear from people like you. People who have quit smoking and have shared your own battles. People who have had loved ones die because of smoking related illnesses. People who just care enough about others to want to offer their support to me just because. I’m hugely grateful to those of you who have reached out. Thank you for following along with me thus far. I’ve no doubt that I still have a long way to go on this journey of quitting smoking, but it’s so much easier knowing I’m not going it alone.

 

Let the eye rolling begin, but there’s no Meg Ryan-Tom Hanks love story going on here. I am sleepless many nights, but that’s got more to do with insomnia than anything else. The name was catchy; and I’m a sucker for any sort of play on words.

(Insert usual disclaimer about not wanting to offend anyone, especially men in general. My personal experiences are not necessarily that of everyone.)

I wanted to put some words down about what I’ve learned in the two-ish months I’ve been online dating now. First and foremost, and probably not coming as a shock to many of you who read this that know me, I don’t like being single. Still. Just like I’ve said from the beginning. Nothing has changed there. I am not a fan of the single life. And I don’t think there’s anything wrong with saying that. Somewhere along the way,  it feels like society has been taught that single people who are independent and successful have embraced their singledom. That the happiest single individuals are that way because they LOVE being single.

I take exception to this notion. Fine, I get there are people out there who definitely enjoy not being tied down. And that everyone has wished at some point or another when in a relationship, that they were single in a particular moment or situation. But, come off it, people. Who the fuck loves being single 24/7? What’s so great about it? The freedom? The freedom to what exactly? Lie in bed, binge watching Netflix, free to eat ALL the chips yourself. Awesome. That’s a hot image right there sure. Can’t imagine why we’re all single sure.

I don’t know what kind of relationships you were all in before you became single where you weren’t free to eat all the chips in bed at any time. The WRONG one, I can tell you that. You’re a grown adult, single or not, nobody can stop you from eating all the chips in bed if that’s what you wanna be at. Anyways, I went right off on chip tangent there, mostly because there’s an empty bag staring at me that I finished off about 3 am this morning. Let me get myself back on track. Ok, so I’ve learned I don’t like being single. Lesson one.

Ladies, this an important one for you all to read, especially if you’ve not had any previous online dating experience. It won’t shock any of you though, that’s for sure. 90% of the men online don’t listen/read….JUST like real life. Your profile comes with a “set of instructions” right there in front of their faces and even if you scream at them to READ YOUR PROFILE FIRST….they don’t. Even if you nicely explain to them why you’re not interested, they still message you. Which brings me to my next point.

It is impossible to be nice to everyone; there’s really no sense in even trying. Your best option is just ignore most messages honestly. You’ll save yourself a lot of aggravation. Just like life outside of the online dating world, some people will just never be satisfied with what you’re saying to them. And even if you’re telling them no in the kindest way possible, there are some people who just don’t like hearing that word. And sometimes people are just complete assholes. That goes for men and women. The horrible behavior people encounter online is not limited to one sex, I can assure you of that.

Which is another revelation I can share from the online dating world – men and women – you’re both giving us a bad name out there, and not doing most of us any favors. Stop being pathetic. If people tell you no, or your 6th message goes unanswered to, or it’s clear in some other way that the person you’re trying to chat up isn’t interested, then simply fuck off. People are starting to assume we’re all whiny and needy, and it’s cramping my style.

Stop being pervs, ladies and gents. I know men are hardwired deep down and some just simply can’t resist the urge, but ladies, come on, show a little class. A young and pretty 21 year old engineering student, working with a good company, with SO much going for her, showing off her goods for buddy to see after talking to him for a day. *shakes my head* She probably thinks the behavior is ok though, because women almost twice her age on  there doing the same thing as well. Enjoy the attention it gets you gals, I can assure you it’s likely not coming from quality men. And men and the dick pics….I feel like I don’t even need to explain this one. Just no. I know there are some unclassy chicks out there telling you they LOVE seeing a close up of your penis, but 95% of us don’t ever want to see it.

More than anything, I’ve learned that online dating isn’t an overnight solution – like most things you do in life, I suppose. It takes work; time and effort, if you care at all about about your search for prospective partners. You get what you give. (And sometimes WAY more than you care to receive, but you learn to get over that stuff.) And while you might not find Mr. or Mrs. Right overnight….or after 2 months even; and although you might not so much as even meet a person after putting in a decent effort for a couple of months, don’t give up! Just like anything else in life, sometimes you get results when you least expect it 😉

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It’s felt like months since I’ve had anything to be truly happy about; since a smile on my face as been genuine and not faked out of obligation. Depression and anxiety (along with most other mental health illnesses) will do that to even the strongest of individuals – it’s certainly nothing to be ashamed about.

3 weeks ago however, the tides finally started to turn for me. I knew they would eventually….although I often wasn’t sure if I was going to be able to hang on until they did. There have been several moments in the last couple of weeks where I was genuinely grinning like the Cheshire Cat, though slightly less creepy looking I would hope. It’s an amazingly wonderful relief when things finally start going your way when you’re engaged in a battle with your mental health. It’s really one of those indescribable feelings that is best understood by others who have experienced the same struggles.

I had a bunch of small victories in my life take place: I got a job that I love after months of looking; I got asked by CBC to work with them on a special piece for them; I quit smoking; my mom was released from hospital and her prognosis is finally looking good. Little pieces of goodness delivered by karma so I would realize that my life wasn’t meant to be doom and gloom forever. That’s the best thing about life, it always turns around; and I have been proof of that time and time again.

Unfortunately for those that suffer from depression, it doesn’t take long for the happy effect to wear off, so to speak, and before you know it those dark clouds of despair had settled back in over my head. That happens easily enough with mental illness – throw in some of life’s added stressors, and I am quickly reminded why I hate life so much sometimes.

And that’s an awful statement to make given the current climate in the world. But it’s how I feel. And I imagine it’s how many of you are feeling, because so many of you seem to empathize with many of the things I write about. I’ve been trying incredibly hard in the last month to try and overpower the negative feelings I’ve been having, believe you me. But I don’t have it in me to try today. I can feel my motivation for doing anything slowly dissipating and I hate it. Aside from the couple of obligations I had this weekend with work and family, I spent almost the duration of it home alone in my room; torn between not wanting to be absolutely alone and miserable but having the energy or desire to do absolutely nothing.

Today marks a fairly significant milestone for me – I’ve been three weeks smoke free! A pretty big deal in the battle to quit, when I’m striving to pass 3 days, 3 weeks and 3 months. I have no doubt part of what’s got me feeling so shitty is the fact that I don’t smoke anymore. I’ve lost another important relationship. It may have been with cigarettes, but never the less, a pack of smokes was a companion I have had for 22 years and that too is gone. Couple that with grieving the loss of another important relationship in my life 2 months ago, and I’m literally beside myself with emotion these last few days. I want to mark my 3 weeks smoke free by lighting up! I won’t, you needn’t worry. I’m just using the example to drive home how horrible I’m feeling.

Being alone almost all of the time is also not helping. I’ve taken steps to change that as well, and have put time and effort into online dating to try find someone to distract me/take up some of my time. That has gone about as well as the first 2 months of my job search went. I’ve been on a grand total of zero dates – and the only couple of decent guys I’ve conversed with are unavailable thanks to geography. I have 2 Christmas party invitations waiting for an RSVP and I refuse to go to either without a date. So there’s that to feel sorry for myself about as well.

Taking the good with the bad has never been something I’ve been great at. Sure, I can function quite normally even on my worst days. I can fake it til I make it like nobody’s business – I’m willing to bet there are people I work with that would be shocked to learn I have any troubles with mental illness. But that doesn’t change the fact that coping when I’m alone doesn’t go so well. When left alone, I cycle through feelings of despair, guilt, loneliness, anger, sadness….I spend way too much time focusing on the coulda/woulda/shouldas of life. Lately, I spend more time sleeping in the early evenings and more time awake in the middle of the night.

I know this too shall pass, it always does. The tides always turn, as I mentioned already. And at least I know that and can believe it to be true. There are many out there who suffer like I do, but feel like things will never get better. I thank God everyday for giving me the strength he does to get through moments, days, or weeks like this. Some people never find that strength, and I can’t imagine how horrible that must feel. To think that things won’t ever improve has to be draining to carry with you day after day – and I know many who do.

We’ve all got to take the good with the bad. And sometimes that means feeling good has to take a backseat because the bad just won’t quit. Sometimes a good cry will do you all the good in the world – and yes, that piece of advice goes for men too. Sometimes, putting it all on paper (or in a blog), is the key to feeling a little better about things. Keeping busy and surrounding yourself with people who’ll remind you that you’re not the biggest loser in the world is also pretty key. I don’t have the answers to this one, unfortunately. I merely wrote this one to get some of these feelings out. And remind those of you struggling that we are not alone. And that there’s at least one person that cares and can relate to how you’re feeling.

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I want a cigarette so badly right now. SO BADLY! And I know hundreds of you can empathize with me because I’ve been hearing from more and more people everyday since I quit smoking 2 weeks ago. And it helps to know that right now, someone, somewhere, can appreciate how I’m feeling. Because I’m ready to tear my hair out and am on the verge of crying away any last remnants of today’s makeup face.

Why do I feel this way? It’s hard to say if it’s because I’ve been smoke free for 14 days or because I’m just feeling overly emotional today in general. If anything, I’m even more emotional because of the fact that I can’t have a cigarette. Either way, I feel horrible. Nothing a good cry won’t fix, I’m sure. It’s just been one of those days that’s been up and down.

Work was an amazing distraction today and was also hugely productive, so I was #winning all day long there. It is so wonderful to have something to do with my time; the fact that I love pretty much every second at work is an absolute blessing in my life right now. It literally couldn’t have come at a better time. While I was never a big smoker during the workday (who wants to be THAT person in the office, after all), even now in the evenings the nature of my job allows me to keep myself occupied with productive, work related activities, instead of focusing on my desire to have a cigarette. Without a doubt, evenings are the worst for me when it comes to cravings.

So while all the work stuff was great today, my personal life has been a little challenging, hence my huge desire to absolutely eat a cigarette right now. I’m definitely a good 20 minutes into writing this post, with no reprieve from this craving. I have received WAY more exposure with this blogging business than I realized I would, and with that has come thousands of pairs of eyes belonging to people – many of whom have been kind enough to offer words of encouragement, or tell me motivational stories of their own experiences with quitting. A small number of people have also been not so kind, and have gone out of their way to try and make me feel bad. You needn’t worry, I won’t let these trolls get the better of me, but they’ve certainly added to my aggravation levels. And increased my need to have a cigarette!

My depression is the biggest culprit of why I’m wishing I could reunite with my long last pal, Du Maurier. The highs and lows of today have been draining. And as much as I want all of the productivity and awesomeness of today to be what I focus on, my brain just won’t let me. My eyes are blurry as I sit and type this even, and I couldn’t stop crying now no matter how hard I put my mind to it. And of course, after 22 years of smoking, my brain has me tricked into thinking that having a cigarette will make me feel better because I’ve always smoked whenever I was overly emotional. So you can imagine what kind of state I might be in. Sad and wanting something I absolutely cannot have. It’s not easy.

I want people to understand how hard it is. I don’t think we give people enough credit for doing it, to be honest. And I can only say that now that I’ve been suffering it out myself for the last couple of weeks. I want people to realize that even the strongest of people struggle with it; and when you couple quitting smoking to any of life’s other challenges, it can make for some extremely excruciating times. I would like for people to be empathetic; while quitting smoking may not be news, it is a reality that a lot of people are going through right now. And hearing from others who are going through the same thing, sharing the struggles and experiences, or stories of motivation and inspiration, is powerful for all of those people who are struggling.

For me, this is one of those major life changes I’ll embark on. That’s why I’m telling the story. It’s not just the act of quitting smoking; it’s life that ensues as a result. Quitting smoking literally opened doors for me I didn’t even know were there. And for me it was quitting smoking; for someone else, it’ll be some other life decision that sets out an entire new path before them. But people won’t believe any of that is possible if you don’t tell them. My struggles with quitting smoking won’t help anyone else if I don’t share them. Quitting smoking might not be breaking news, but it’s a reality for a ton of people out there.

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Well I made it through the first week without cigarettes. And like any bad breakup, there were downs than there were ups. But I successfully got up every morning and went to bed every night without putting a Du Maurier to my lips even once.

And I knew I could do it. Make no mistake, I was confident when I made the decision a week ago that I was giving this shit up, that it would most certainly be the end. What I didn’t know, was how difficult the struggle would actually be. Again, like a bad breakup, quitting smoking is kicking my ass on some days it feels like. I completely underestimated my need to smoke at certain moments in my day. I’m an emotional smoker, not a habitual one. So how I’m feeling really dictates whether or not I need a cigarette more than any other factors. I don’t wake up wanting a cigarette ever; just the thought of one first thing in the morning could make me sick sometimes. I don’t get in the car and immediately feel the urge to light up. And unless I eat an incredibly big meal and feel like I’m going to explode, I don’t mind not having one after I eat.

My emotions are undoubtedly my biggest trigger point when it comes to feeling like smoking is a necessity. Stress and agitation, combined with my inability to have a cigarette, felt like it was going to be the end of me in some moments over the last 7 days. I’ve punched things and cried at the absolute hardest times of all, and both gave a little satisfaction, I have to say. And happy moments are just as bad from this perspective. Nothing better than lighting up a cigarette with your best friend after an awesome day at a new job and telling them all about it! Except they haven’t smoked in months, and now you don’t either. So instead you talk happy news for a few minutes and then you have to complain for the next half an hour about how dreadful life is this week because you’ve decided to not smoke. Anyways, I digress here.

Many people, myself included, have asked me if now is really the best time to quit smoking. I’ve been having an uphill battle with depression and anxiety for some time, I just recently ended an important relationship, I have major financial stress….the list goes on. But the fact of the matter is, I’m always going to have stress in my life. I’ll likely suffer from depression and anxiety for life, although it comes in waves and is quite situational. I will always have an excuse for not being able to quit; I’ve been using them on myself for the last few months, in fact. It’s just as well lump it in with all the other stressors and just deal with it now.

And I AM dealing, if you’re wondering at all. Some days have been worse than others, and there have been at least one or 2 moments in every day where I’ve wanted a cigarette. Days 3,4 and 5 were the worst for me. I wanted to murder someone, I was so on edge. But I did what I needed to in the moment to get through it – got emotional, stayed busy, talked to people, stuffed my face (specifically with candy).

The support I’ve gotten from people has been amazing, and no doubt saved me from giving in a couple of times last week. My family and friends have been the best, and my social networking communities have been such a blessing as well. Any of the goals we set out to achieve in our lives seem so much more reachable when we’re able to hear about the successes of others. I’ve been lucky enough to have so many motivational comments and stories come my way through the power of social media, and it has made the struggle so much easier.

I’ve got a week under my belt and I am proud of myself. I know there is still quite a ways for me to go, and while I’m not looking forward to the next couple of weeks from a no smoking perspective, I am excited to get that three week milestone out of the way. For now though, I have to concentrate on getting some breakfast because my stomach is literally yelling at me. I have an insatiable appetite; morning, noon and night. And it’s not something I’m used to, or enjoying, but I’ve been telling myself a craving for food is better than a craving for a cigarette.

I feel like I’m always going to have to start these blogs with some kind of disclaimer about the material being sensitive for some readers. And maybe offensive. And of course it’s not meant to be either. It’s just a real life look at MY own experiences and takeaways and opinions. It’s written mostly for my own entertainment and if some of you men take my advice in the meantime, so be it. Also for the record, I’m sure there are plenty of women out there doing the whole online dating thing wrong too. But I’m not trying to date women, so I can’t speak to my experiences with them. It isn’t about picking on men.

A month and a half in, online dating has been just as successful as real life dating has been for me. (It’s Sunday morning and I’m home in bed working on my third blog of the morning while stuffing my face full of Halloween candy.) That should give you all a fairly good indication of the level of success I’ve been having. And it’s not for lack of trying. I’m giving it an honest effort. Like anything in life, something worth having is going to take work. I’m ok with that. I don’t mind needing patience and having to give it time. What I do mind is the number of douchebags I have to deal with along the way; and I’ve done my best to keep them at bay.

Men online, like men in real life, don’t take instruction well. So, even though my profile on POF explicitly states “Please read my profile before messaging me”, 85% don’t. They might read some, enough that they think I’ll be fooled into believing they read it, but I wasn’t born yesterday under a rock on a turnip truck – you didn’t read it all buddy! Mistake number one – you’ve proven you’re a male who can’t take direction when asked. That means I deleted your message without so much as a reply. (This might seem harsh, but there are days when I get messages from a dozen people, there’s got to be a pecking order.) Men, keep in mind that women typically see way more action in an online dating forum. That traffic increases if the woman is attractive, intelligent and has a great sense of humor. Do you really think you’re going to stand out in a sea of men by sending her a message that says “hey” or “hi” or “sup” – come the fuck on guys. At least string together a couple of sentences so your IQ seems higher than your age. And to the opposite effect, there’s no need to write a book outlining your biggest hopes and wildest dreams. There’s a time and place for those messages – and they’re not meant as openers on Plenty of Fish, I can assure you of that. So the lessons here? Read about the person you’re messaging and sound like an intelligent member of society when you open the lines of the communication.

I touched on this notion of “false advertising” in my last dating post. It’s what I accuse a lot of people of doing on places like Tinder and Plenty of Fish. I’m willing to bet women are just as guilty of it, but again, I can only speak to what my experiences have been. Obviously we’re all going to use what we feel are flattering images of ourselves – we want to show ourselves in the best light possible. But some of you are really blurring the line of what’s acceptable and what’s wishful fucking thinking on your part. Stop using old pictures! Unless they’re an exact likeness of what you look like now, those pics from Christmas 2011 are not an accurate reflection of what you look like. Presently, you’re like 30 pounds heavier, with way less hair and a few more wrinkles – and when you finally send her a selfie or have to meet her in person she’s going to think you’re a fucking idiot for leading her to believe otherwise.

Take off the fucking sunglasses while you’re at it. If women have a problem with duckface selfies, men have a problem with aviator sunglasses selfies. Newsflash! Most guys look good in a pic wearing aviators and a 5 o’clock shadow. Raybans and Oakley don’t make it any better. It’s all a lie. You need to show your faces. And speaking of faces, please stick to just images of your face. For you guys stood in front of your bathroom mirrors with your shirt pulled up and your face out of frame….what in the actual fuck? Are girls messaging you? I’d like to talk to them if they are. Some of you don’t even have six packs. When sensible girls get together for “boy talk” we make fun of guys like you, not talk about the size of your dicks, I can promise you that.

Another question I’d like to ask men, is where are you all getting these Associate Degrees? 75% of you work in construction but you have Associate Degrees and don’t know the difference between your and you’re – can anyone clear that up for me?

The other major point that can’t be overlooked is geography. I understand people, we live in NL and it significantly decreases the pool of single, decent, date-able candidates. But you boys living around the bay, in Central, on the West Coast and in Labrador – you’ve got to leave the ladies of the metro area alone. You strike it up with all these great ladies and you’ve already shot yourself in the foot because they’re off limits thanks to the few hundred kilometers between you both. Unless you’re both looking for a pen pal situation, just save yourselves the trouble because it’s going nowhere fast. Facebook is the venue for that relationship.

There’s a small percentage of men doing it right in the online dating world. And part of the problem is not enough men are doing it at all. Part of my hopes with blogging about online dating, is that more people will start doing it. There’s still such a stigma, like so many other things in life. And the stigma is a joke. There’s plenty of respectable, intelligent, attractive and date-able people online – you just have to be open to the experience and remember that nothing good in life happens overnight.

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