Sex in da Ceebs…..A woman’s guide to what men are doing wrong online

I feel like I’m always going to have to start these blogs with some kind of disclaimer about the material being sensitive for some readers. And maybe offensive. And of course it’s not meant to be either. It’s just a real life look at MY own experiences and takeaways and opinions. It’s written mostly for my own entertainment and if some of you men take my advice in the meantime, so be it. Also for the record, I’m sure there are plenty of women out there doing the whole online dating thing wrong too. But I’m not trying to date women, so I can’t speak to my experiences with them. It isn’t about picking on men.

A month and a half in, online dating has been just as successful as real life dating has been for me. (It’s Sunday morning and I’m home in bed working on my third blog of the morning while stuffing my face full of Halloween candy.) That should give you all a fairly good indication of the level of success I’ve been having. And it’s not for lack of trying. I’m giving it an honest effort. Like anything in life, something worth having is going to take work. I’m ok with that. I don’t mind needing patience and having to give it time. What I do mind is the number of douchebags I have to deal with along the way; and I’ve done my best to keep them at bay.

Men online, like men in real life, don’t take instruction well. So, even though my profile on POF explicitly states “Please read my profile before messaging me”, 85% don’t. They might read some, enough that they think I’ll be fooled into believing they read it, but I wasn’t born yesterday under a rock on a turnip truck – you didn’t read it all buddy! Mistake number one – you’ve proven you’re a male who can’t take direction when asked. That means I deleted your message without so much as a reply. (This might seem harsh, but there are days when I get messages from a dozen people, there’s got to be a pecking order.) Men, keep in mind that women typically see way more action in an online dating forum. That traffic increases if the woman is attractive, intelligent and has a great sense of humor. Do you really think you’re going to stand out in a sea of men by sending her a message that says “hey” or “hi” or “sup” – come the fuck on guys. At least string together a couple of sentences so your IQ seems higher than your age. And to the opposite effect, there’s no need to write a book outlining your biggest hopes and wildest dreams. There’s a time and place for those messages – and they’re not meant as openers on Plenty of Fish, I can assure you of that. So the lessons here? Read about the person you’re messaging and sound like an intelligent member of society when you open the lines of the communication.

I touched on this notion of “false advertising” in my last dating post. It’s what I accuse a lot of people of doing on places like Tinder and Plenty of Fish. I’m willing to bet women are just as guilty of it, but again, I can only speak to what my experiences have been. Obviously we’re all going to use what we feel are flattering images of ourselves – we want to show ourselves in the best light possible. But some of you are really blurring the line of what’s acceptable and what’s wishful fucking thinking on your part. Stop using old pictures! Unless they’re an exact likeness of what you look like now, those pics from Christmas 2011 are not an accurate reflection of what you look like. Presently, you’re like 30 pounds heavier, with way less hair and a few more wrinkles – and when you finally send her a selfie or have to meet her in person she’s going to think you’re a fucking idiot for leading her to believe otherwise.

Take off the fucking sunglasses while you’re at it. If women have a problem with duckface selfies, men have a problem with aviator sunglasses selfies. Newsflash! Most guys look good in a pic wearing aviators and a 5 o’clock shadow. Raybans and Oakley don’t make it any better. It’s all a lie. You need to show your faces. And speaking of faces, please stick to just images of your face. For you guys stood in front of your bathroom mirrors with your shirt pulled up and your face out of frame….what in the actual fuck? Are girls messaging you? I’d like to talk to them if they are. Some of you don’t even have six packs. When sensible girls get together for “boy talk” we make fun of guys like you, not talk about the size of your dicks, I can promise you that.

Another question I’d like to ask men, is where are you all getting these Associate Degrees? 75% of you work in construction but you have Associate Degrees and don’t know the difference between your and you’re – can anyone clear that up for me?

The other major point that can’t be overlooked is geography. I understand people, we live in NL and it significantly decreases the pool of single, decent, date-able candidates. But you boys living around the bay, in Central, on the West Coast and in Labrador – you’ve got to leave the ladies of the metro area alone. You strike it up with all these great ladies and you’ve already shot yourself in the foot because they’re off limits thanks to the few hundred kilometers between you both. Unless you’re both looking for a pen pal situation, just save yourselves the trouble because it’s going nowhere fast. Facebook is the venue for that relationship.

There’s a small percentage of men doing it right in the online dating world. And part of the problem is not enough men are doing it at all. Part of my hopes with blogging about online dating, is that more people will start doing it. There’s still such a stigma, like so many other things in life. And the stigma is a joke. There’s plenty of respectable, intelligent, attractive and date-able people online – you just have to be open to the experience and remember that nothing good in life happens overnight.

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