Quitting smoking has been kicking my ass

Well I made it through the first week without cigarettes. And like any bad breakup, there were downs than there were ups. But I successfully got up every morning and went to bed every night without putting a Du Maurier to my lips even once.

And I knew I could do it. Make no mistake, I was confident when I made the decision a week ago that I was giving this shit up, that it would most certainly be the end. What I didn’t know, was how difficult the struggle would actually be. Again, like a bad breakup, quitting smoking is kicking my ass on some days it feels like. I completely underestimated my need to smoke at certain moments in my day. I’m an emotional smoker, not a habitual one. So how I’m feeling really dictates whether or not I need a cigarette more than any other factors. I don’t wake up wanting a cigarette ever; just the thought of one first thing in the morning could make me sick sometimes. I don’t get in the car and immediately feel the urge to light up. And unless I eat an incredibly big meal and feel like I’m going to explode, I don’t mind not having one after I eat.

My emotions are undoubtedly my biggest trigger point when it comes to feeling like smoking is a necessity. Stress and agitation, combined with my inability to have a cigarette, felt like it was going to be the end of me in some moments over the last 7 days. I’ve punched things and cried at the absolute hardest times of all, and both gave a little satisfaction, I have to say. And happy moments are just as bad from this perspective. Nothing better than lighting up a cigarette with your best friend after an awesome day at a new job and telling them all about it! Except they haven’t smoked in months, and now you don’t either. So instead you talk happy news for a few minutes and then you have to complain for the next half an hour about how dreadful life is this week because you’ve decided to not smoke. Anyways, I digress here.

Many people, myself included, have asked me if now is really the best time to quit smoking. I’ve been having an uphill battle with depression and anxiety for some time, I just recently ended an important relationship, I have major financial stress….the list goes on. But the fact of the matter is, I’m always going to have stress in my life. I’ll likely suffer from depression and anxiety for life, although it comes in waves and is quite situational. I will always have an excuse for not being able to quit; I’ve been using them on myself for the last few months, in fact. It’s just as well lump it in with all the other stressors and just deal with it now.

And I AM dealing, if you’re wondering at all. Some days have been worse than others, and there have been at least one or 2 moments in every day where I’ve wanted a cigarette. Days 3,4 and 5 were the worst for me. I wanted to murder someone, I was so on edge. But I did what I needed to in the moment to get through it – got emotional, stayed busy, talked to people, stuffed my face (specifically with candy).

The support I’ve gotten from people has been amazing, and no doubt saved me from giving in a couple of times last week. My family and friends have been the best, and my social networking communities have been such a blessing as well. Any of the goals we set out to achieve in our lives seem so much more reachable when we’re able to hear about the successes of others. I’ve been lucky enough to have so many motivational comments and stories come my way through the power of social media, and it has made the struggle so much easier.

I’ve got a week under my belt and I am proud of myself. I know there is still quite a ways for me to go, and while I’m not looking forward to the next couple of weeks from a no smoking perspective, I am excited to get that three week milestone out of the way. For now though, I have to concentrate on getting some breakfast because my stomach is literally yelling at me. I have an insatiable appetite; morning, noon and night. And it’s not something I’m used to, or enjoying, but I’ve been telling myself a craving for food is better than a craving for a cigarette.